Tyler's introduce-me doc
Hi friends 👋 I've decided to be much more intentional about finding my person.
How to use this doc- "I know someone who you might like." Tell me!
- "Maybe I'm that person you might like." Find out! Below is a 🧪 Chemistry Quiz 🤓 that you can take =)
What am I looking for?
Primarily: a partner-in-crime, creative collaborator, cofounder, co-dreamer, other half of a power couple, someone with whom to build worlds that are magical, mystical, and practical.
Like these couples you may have heard of, except without the dysfunctional parts:
"Wow, an 'introduce me' doc?"
Yeah, I know. It's not very romantic. I'd rather meet my person in the rare books section at Strand or under a bodega awning in a thunderstorm. But it's kind of hard to meet this sort of life-collaborator-style person in the wild! "But doesn't this ruin all the mystery?" I think people have ineffable multitudes that cannot be captured in the language of a dating doc or chemistry quiz. These mysteries take more than a lifetime to unpack.
"What does he look like?"
My friends told me that I look handsome in these photos and videos that we cherry-picked:
"Who is he?"
I, Tyler, am 35. I'm 5' 10". Introvert masquerading very convincingly as an extrovert. For work, I spend my days rebuilding civic society and writing a sci-fi novel. "How does that make money?" It doesn't; I earned my bag cofounding a startup that did well. Finally, at risk of overtooting my own horn, here are some nice things people have said about me.
🙈 The TMI Section 👈 Tap the toggle (▶) for details & secrets about me
When I say TMI I really mean it. You're about to enter the oversharing section. You have been warned! Tap the toggle again to proceed.
Dogs, animals, etc
- I love all animals! I like to commune with them when I get the chance (which unfortunately is not often enough).
My flaws and peculiarities
- Sometimes I move too fast: with people, projects, etc. I'm working on the moving-slower that comes with listening to my body and to "what the situation wants."
- I project too much fantasy onto people, imagining all the amazing things we could do together, who we could become together, etc. This often results in mutual disappointment!
- I have a gut issue that makes me fatigued and uncomfortable for a lot of the day. I'm maybe 80% finished working on it. The remaining root of it seems to be unprocessed grief and repressed anger. (I really struggle to feel anger.) It started with my burnout around 2019.
- Ever since I got this gut issue, I've had light sleep. This makes it hard for me to sleep in the same bed with other people. I am working on this!
- I am still struggling to reconcile my inner artist with my inner entrepreneur.
- My life is very full with friends, projects, etc etc. Ideally my future partner is similar and we combine milieus, like a merging of two kingdoms. I vastly prefer this to the sort of relationship where two people shut themselves off from the world and form a little bubble.
Drugs etc
- The only drug I do regularly is caffeine.
- Psychedelics are sometimes beneficial, but I don't do them often.
- I drink socially maybe a couple times a month.
Threads of mine that are very telling
- Emergency friend squad – on how awesome my friends are
- Soul retrieval thread – on who I used to be
- Effective Altruism in the Garden of Ends – on the hell I went through in the EA movement and my reconciliation with altruism
- What my ideal life looks like – I'm living it! The only thing that's missing is my wifie
Dance
Currently, my favorite types of dance are:
- Contact improv
- Butoh
- Gaga
- Underbelly
- 5Rhythms & ecstatic
- Tango (I'm still bad at it though)
Politics
- I stand behind the individuals/collectives/causes are the most compassionate, humble, honest, and wise. (I do not adopt political positions wholesale from a particular party or side.)
- Liberals and conservatives both have some good ideas and some bad ideas. It's crazy to me that this is a controversial statement these days.
- Most of my current positions are left-leaning. (Starvation in Gaza is obviously horrific. Crime: Rehabilitation > punishment in most cases. 👍 LGBTQ+. 👎 Racism. 👎 Climate change.) However, I find the left's lack of empathy for its political opponents not only disturbing but also unskillful given its aim of changing culture.
Sex
- Erotic blueprint-wise I'm very high on the "energetic" spectrum, so I like stuff like hovering touch, teasing, presence, tenderness, subtle realms, etc. I'm interested in exploring consort practice (basically meditating while having sex) and stuff like that. I think sex can be a form of sophisticated communication, a medium for art & play, and also a gateway to expanded awareness. On this note: I have decided to take a period of abstinence from sex that feels more habitual and gratification-seeking, so I might be moving slow now when it comes to sex.
- I'm not that inherently kinky but I am open to kink and to trying all sorts of things.
- I'm really into learning what a person likes and someone doing that for me too.
- I'm a switch.
- I think the secret to reliably good sex is simply to let every moment last an eternity.
"Tell me more about this monogamish thing."
OK, I realize this is a big topic for many people, so get ready for a massive TMI essay sparing no detail.
I feel like I'm from an alien planet with my relationship to sex. I'm nervous to write about it even though I'm proud of it! People tend not to believe that my form sexuality is possible until they watch me over months. In the meantime, it's quite painful to be misunderstood on this front. I'll still write it out, because if someone would disqualify me in advance on the basis of my sexuality, then it's probably not a great match (?).
In short: My ideal relationship is one where my partner and I are the relational center of one another's lives AND where we occasionally have sex with other people.
"What if your partner gets jealous?"
I am probably not a good partner for a very jealous person, even if somehow we ended up monogamous. That said, my partner's sense of safety is a top priority. I will do what it takes to help my partner feel secure in our relationship. I want to treat their heart well. Practically, this might mean:
- Coming up with some rules/guidelines
- Having periods of monogamy
- Lots of communication
- Keeping sex outside the relationship to parties, swinging, or x-somes
- etc
"Why would you be comfortable with your partner having sex with other people?"
- First of all, my ideal mate wants to be specifically with me. If they have sex with someone else, and then want to leave me for them, then it turns out they weren't my ideal mate 🤷♂️ Also, if you haven't noticed, I'm a very niche kind of guy, so if someone is choosing me, it's not like there are 1000s of Tyler-shaped people walking around. I don't feel in competition with other men (or women).
- Second of all, I actually like hearing about my partner's sexual adventures. Of course I'm human, so I still experience jealousy when I hear them, but I experience it more as a spice than a poison. I especially like to hear about new ways that other people have pleased my lady so that I can learn how to do them.
"Why do you want to have sex with other people?"
There is a strong analogy to dance here. I am a dancer; it's an artistic practice that is core to who I am. To learn new ways of dancing -- which is to learn new ways of being -- I practice with multiple others.
Likewise, I am a lover; it's an artistic practice that is core to who I am. To learn new ways of loving -- which is to learn new ways of being -- I practice with multiple others. And then I like to bring those new ways of loving that I discover back to my partner to love them more wholly.
"What does sex mean to you?"
I think that sex, along with most human behaviors (eating, fighting, talking), can have many meanings. Sex can be an expression of romantic love. It's a biological & symbolic deepening of intimacy with a partner. But sex can also be about fun, meditative states, getting to know someone, personal expression, ritual, implicit communication, improvisation, nonverbal wisdom transmission, etc.
That said, sex's original function is inseparable from childrearing. "What about bonobos?" you may retort. (Bonobos are the apes that we're most genetically related to, alongside chimps. But unlike chimps, bonobos bang each other all day) Well, bonobos use sex to bring together the tribe, which provides for children.
I too am sort of this way. I pretty much only want to have sex with people who I would add to my tribe -- or, in modern parlance, to my "chosen family." Whenever I've violated this principle, things have felt really off. So -- when I have sex with someone else -- I am not saying, "I want to have babies with you" or "I want to make you my partner now." But I am often saying "I want you as part of my wider tribe." Eg I have many platonic friendships with people I have slept with once or twice. Sometimes they help me babysit my goddaughter. Crazy right? Maybe in our unusual modern context, but a lot of tribes still work this way and it's quite probable that our evolutionary ancestors did too. 🤷♂️
"Would you consider monogamy?"
Ngl, it would be very difficult for me. But while it would go against my nature, for the right person, I'd still be willing to try. Here are some things I'm nervous about:
- In the majority of monogamous marriages -- at least in the US -- one's sex life either dies out or people cheat. (The estimate I saw for the US taking in account reporting bias is 25-60% cheating rate in marriage.) I am neither interested in cheating or falling into a sexually deadened marriage! So I'd want to acknowledge the reality of this phenomenon and make a good plan for it.
- Strict sexual monogamy does not have a long track record. Before Christianity, most societies were not sexually monogamous. After Christianity, having extramarital sex was still quite common (amongst men, less so amongst women, but this seems to be due to patriarchal norms of violence against women's extramarital sex). Going deeper into time: 0% of other primate species are sexually monogamous...so our evolutionary ancestors were probably not sexually monogamous. (That said, what is very common amongst primates is the type of relationship that I'm interested in -- what biologists call "social monogamy": living in pairs, raising offspring together.) So...similarly with my last bullet point, I'd want to acknowledge the reality of this phenomenon and make a good plan for it.
"What about polyamory (as in: having multiple gfs/bfs)?"
I celebrate people who can make polyamory work, but there's a reason that "poly drama" is a well-known term. Most poly people I know are constantly entangled in negotiations, "hard talks," and constant calendar-juggling with their multiple partners.
Similar to monogamy, for the right person I'd be willing to try it. But I don't currently understand how me and my partner would prioritize not only one another and our ambitious shared projects, but also multiple romantic partners.
Relationships
- I think every couple must come up with their own answer to the core dilemma raised in Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity. (That sustaining erotic desire in long-term relationships requires balancing opposing needs for [security and stability] with those for [novelty, mystery, and autonomy].) I would love to talk about this!
- I'm still friends or friendquaintances with the majority of people I've ever kissed.
- My friend Jina said that women are going to read this and wonder "Why is he 35 and single?" The reason is that until 30, I prioritized work over relationships in a lot of ways I now regret. Then I had two long-term relationships that didn't work out: The first didn't work out because we were as incompatible as we were compatible (but met over covid and so were very attached – and also we were very invested in the vision of having kids in community). The second didn't work out because her intention was always to leave NYC for her home country and then she did. That last relationship taught me that this "life collaborator" thing I'm looking for is possible, but it aslo took me a year to get over. That brings us to the present day.
- I love relationships and sex but if I were stuck being single and never having sex for the rest of my life, I would still be happy. I would like to date someone similar. I think that if two people don't need each other they have the chance to actually choose one another, and that feel so romantic and beautiful to me.
- It seems to me that people are divorcing at a higher rate because too many needs that used to be satisfied by community are now expected out of a spouse:
1. Fulfills me romantically, sexually & intellectually
2. Compatible with friends & family
3. Best coparent I can find
4. Business partner in personal finance
5. Good roommate
6. Is my therapist
7. Is my best friend
While I too would love all these in one person, it seems like it puts too much pressure on a relationship. I'm much more interested in embedding a relationship in a flourishing community. - I'm not a very jealous person. I celebrate my partners having other occasional lovers. However, I would struggle with my partner having other partners, in the poly way. This because I'm looking for someone who (a) wants to spend quality time together, (b) commit to whatever shared projects we dream up, and (c) raise kids (ideally). Between these commitments, I don't understand how there would be extra time for additional partners. But I'd be willing to try if that were the only option available!
- My friend Leo has this idea that relationships are shaped by a spatial metaphor for their orientation. I like relationships that are something like 25% facing each other and 75% facing outward toward the world together.
- I am interested in a relationship where part of the magnetism bringing us together is a love for how the other flourishes when given complete freedom. I will never try to trap you or tame you. If you do something that hurts me I will let you know, and hope that love will motivate you to not break my heart. But I will never coerce you into not breaking my heart.
(Pictured: Frida Kahlo & Diego Rivera)
(Pictured: Ray & Charles Eames)
Kids
Like I said above, I would love to have kids of my own. But I'm also happy to just help other people raise their kids.
If I do have kids, I want to raise them the supernuclear way. Here's a story of how my friends and childrearing role models, Andrew and Priya, did that: tweet link.
NY
New York state is important to me. It's the area where my family & old friends are. I'm helping cultivate a civic society-like thing here in Brooklyn. And I absolutely love the city even though, yes, it can be expensive, dirty, chaotic, etc. Would I consider moving? I'd entertain a cute town within commuting distance, but elsewhere, probably not. I've lived in the Bay Area, Chicago, Portugal, Berlin, and elsewhere; none nourish me in the same way NY does. 🤷♂️
Also I have a kind of spooky transcendental relationship with the city. It sometimes challenges my skeptical streak when I try to explain it.
ps If the person you want to introduce me to needs an excuse to visit the city, have them check out my guide to falling in love with (my special version of) NYC. If you're already in my trust network, I can find them an affordable or free place to stay!
Communication
I like directness, lyricism, subtlety of touch.
Explicit communication is important to me as a way to get on the same page.
But also: My natural language is in the intricacies of the implicit (gaze, gesture, posture, touch, tone, metaphor, movement, proximity, aesthetics, "energy," vibes). My ideal partner is excited to explore these vast realms of the poetic & nonverbal.
Imagine you're invited on a date where the first 10 minutes are without words. Does this intrigue you? If so, you should definitely message me. 🙃
Addendum from my friend Colleen: "I feel like it tilts the overall impression here towards your intuitive qualities, when part of what makes you great is the integration of those intuitive qualities with strong abstract reasoning." OK yeah, thanks, Colleen.
Things I'd love to know about potential dates
You meet a genie. He will grant you your perfect life. What does your perfect living environment look and feel like? Who is around you?
What movies, songs, and images deeply move you?
What conditions make you feel lively & confident?
What is your relationship with your shadow?
"Tyler, this profile isn't vulnerable enough, you need to be more vulnerable" —a couple of my annoying friends who read this introduce-me doc
Really? This is what you want? Raw emotion from a public dating page? Isn't that what actual dates are for? You would have me use this page to confront the excruciating ordeal of becoming known?
I feel like when I reveal the Real Me, you people are intimidated by its size and strangeness. But fine, here you go:
- I cry during tragic movies and when other people suffer, but have trouble crying for myself. Three years ago I wrote this:
There is complete sadness and incomplete sadness. Catharsis is the fruit of the sadness that you complete. Agony is the punishment for the sadness you did not allow to complete.
"Don't cry," is one of the worst things you can say to someone with sadness. But often, so is "It's OK to cry," as the person wavers between completion and avoidance. The muse would say, "Cry, all the way, until you reach the other shore."
I have a secret bodywork practice from ~7 years of training. It's profound, and it feeds me deeply, but feels too vulnerable to share, even with people I date. So I have this thing that I always want to do and no outlet for it because of my own fear.
I used to want to save the world (and create utopia, etc), and believed I had a critical role in doing that. So I worked 12hr days building the Effective Altruism movement. Then I burnt out into years of depression. I only valued myself insofar as I could be useful to others. So when my burnout crippled the competence at the center of my identity, it made me want to die. It took me years to find inherent dignity, to value myself for merely being. I wrote a long essay about this experience here.
These days I live my life in a much more balanced way. But the truth is some part of me still wants to "save the world" (and create utopia, etc), and believes I have a critical role in doing that. But it's complicated because I think the very notion of "saving the world" doesn't actually make sense.
I don't want to tell you this because I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy. I don't want to tell myself this because I don't want to feel crushing responsibility. I'd like to return to my life circa 2011, when I lived oblivious to the amount & depth of suffering out there, and when I enjoyed myself as a New York City bon vivant, dressing in bright suits, going to fancy parties, starring in performance art, walking 4hrs per day through Central Park to go read at Hungarian Pastry Shop.
My existential kink is to regularly poison myself with things that will keep my power level down: a bite of that cookie that will flare my gut condition, a mind-numbing screen session, a bedtime procrastinated by 1hr. Not enough to ruin me, just enough to humble me. Some part of me hopes that I will meet the one who gives me the reason to put down the poison, but I don't really want to admit this to myself, because I am Mr. Self Sufficient, yes I am, I need no one.
Everyone thinks I'm an extrovert. Actually, I'm an introvert, but one who secretly loves everyone an embarrassing amount. I hide the depth of my love with most people, because I don't know what to do when others get attached to it. I wait for special circumstances like concerts, contact improv jams, meditation retreats, and "authentic relating" events to let my love out, because people have a "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"-style attitude toward these containers, which makes managing attachment easier. This hiding of my love is probably a big reason behind my introversion; hiding is pretty exhausting.
"What's he looking for?"
Like I said, the main thing I'm looking for is a life collaborator, where we help bring each other's dreams into being. Besides that:
- 🌺 Sincerity!!!
- ❤️🔥 Compassion and love are central to their life
- 🌃 Up for living in NY (my chosen fam & my blood fam are here)
Ideally old enough to know roughly what they want, so…idk, ~27-50 (would make exceptions).
I'm also newly up for dating single moms. (My goddaughter has showed me that I can easily love someone else's kid like family.)
Look, connection is connection, so if you know someone whose energy might chain-react with mine, please tell me about them even if they don't fit with the words I am saying here.
Toggle this to see some bonus things that I like but don't need. Please don't be intimidated by this list! I do not expect to find all of this in one person.
💃 Enjoys dancing
🧠 Uses both halves of their brain
😈 Exists in the nonduality of wholesome and edgy
👁️ Infuses their taste into everything they do
✨ A e s t h e t i c s
🙏 S p i r i t u a l i t y (specific belief system not important – she can be Buddhist, Christian, etc. I'm interested in people who can stably abide in the space that is beyond self/mind/ego)
🗣️ Direct communication
🤲 Generosity: Actively trying to alleviate suffering or fill the world with good stuff (eg beauty, discovery, awe, kindness)
👩🚀 High openness to experiences and ideas
🌋 Likes adventure
🐦🔥 Able to adapt to change (it's gonna be a wild few decades!)
👼 Wants to raise kids in community with ample support
👑 Bosslady/empress
🙊 Able to savor silence and subtle, nonverbal communication (this is actually very important to me, I considered including it in the top 3)
🫀 Monogamish (I would struggle with full monogamy or polyamory, but I would try for the right connection)
😎 Knows (roughly) who they are and what they want
"Hmm do you think he and I would have chemistry?"
They can find out by taking this extremely scientific ✨chemistry quiz✨